saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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