Cold hands, warm shart.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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