Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
