im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
It's shark week go big or go home
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
