I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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