When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
