He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize