this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
