found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
