Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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