I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
