I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
‎"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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