Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
