how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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