There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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