not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
