I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
