I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The air was thick with penises
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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