nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
im six kinds of drunk right now
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
