If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
