She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
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