Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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