walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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