I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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