he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
