I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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