btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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