When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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