woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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