So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
