what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
