i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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