I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
