Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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