just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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