big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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