Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
