Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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