3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
