FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
