i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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