it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I have tasted many bathrooms
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
