why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
