New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
