He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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