apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Dick very happy bro
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
