your parents love me but you hate me
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
