i was born a porn star she said
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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