Umm I'm too high to move.
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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