just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
