Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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