Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
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