I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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