After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
His nipple licking is glorious
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