I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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