Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize