i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
